Heads

I'm wearing a pirate headband. It's a grey Mossimo t-shirt. That's Target for the now red circle shoppers. Size extra large. The grey t-shirt reminds me of all the contradictions of the day.

(1) Play pirates. Do work during the 30 minutes rest time instead of making dinner. Then instead of making dinner while Joey is still asleep, play pirates. Because Nicky really wants to play. And my heart says, he needs this more than you need to set up a chaos-free dinner hour. Nicky's pirate headband is a stripe long-sleeve shirt. Very piratey. And we're nice pirates. I contribute the idea of inviting the "not nice" pirates over for lemonade or hot chocolate. (Some like it hot, some want ot be refreshed). Nicky agrees but then decides to splash those not nice pirates into the water. BTW--the pirates are blocks and the boat is an upside-down crate. Anybody doing play therapy analysis, stop stop! Or that's what the grey-headed pirate tells herself, just stop analyzing. Somebody stop me!

(2) My library book last month actually was a historical fiction bit (can't remember the name or author) about a town in Southwestern England being invaded by pirates. Can you say, yo ho, rape, murder, kidnap for pursuit of religion. What's that word? When you go on a mission to praise God? In this case, piracy as a form of fundraising. When you think about that ride at Disneyland, isn't that someone's ironic joke? Let's make a ride where tourists watch pirates get ready to rape, pillage, and set fire to a community. And the boat serenely meanders through the town, after those first two awesome hills at the beginning of the ride. So...why am I letting the pirate play happen? I know there will be many boy things that I don't understand that have to do with adrenalin and violence. But, yeh, the irony of pretending to be something so vicious is apparent to me. I remember playing Cowboys and Indians in Christine Vansiclen's back yard. That would never go over now. And the Army guy play, too...hmm.. You could say that the pirate thing is "safe" because it is historical. But that's not true. Piracy is alive and happening off the coasts of Africa.

Nice pirates. Hmmn...

Joey. Can't wear a pirate hat. Being very careful of his head. Doctor told me on Monday that his right side is flat. Yes, I feel awful and responsible that I may be ushering in a flat head for his life. WHEN I SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! So now I am focused/ OBSESSED on keeping his head turned the other way. Yesterday I accidentally woke him up from his afternoon nap trying to change his head. Sorry Little Jojo.

And I wish sometimes that my own head would just chill out. Having kids with my hyper-anxious temperament is hard work. Poor little guys. At least they get to play pirate with me.

Inside the Tornado, or maybe watching from afar

Parenting feels like a tornado--only sometimes I feel like I'm outside watching the tornado spin by and sometimes I'm inside the tornado and not sure where the ground is or where I am in relation to anyone else. (Sorry, I just finished reading Wicked so excuse the tornado metaphor.) And the perspective switch happens can happen so quickly. What I mean is, sometimes Nicky will say or do something and I catch myself not knowing. Not knowing what I think is right anymore. Do I respond to sassy behavior with a strict limit, do I make a point to give him more nurturing, do I use it as an educating moment, am I concerned about how others see his behavior, am I unconcerned?, when is the time to make a shift in what we're doing for discipline? how much is the right amount of talking to him, setting limits, and just trying to live and hang out? What if I'm stern when what he really needs is warm, or vice versa? And if I'm using my intuition to decide on how to respond, how do I know if I'm not off? The tornado just shifts, and I constantly feel like I have to look around and see where I am in relation to everything else...and then the tornado is gone and it's calm and sunny. Wow. Why? What brought the calm? Was it something nuerological that started firing and then calmed down? Was it the effect of whatever I did to respond? Or the exact opposite. And the discipline thing is just one of many doubts I find myself tuning into.

You've probably figured out by now that Nicky is the tornado. Unbelievable to think that I've spent the past 10 years guiding parents, without knowing about the tornado effect. I don't mean to write off everything I said or did as a social worker, but there just is that KNOWING that comes from the NOT KNOWING of being a parent. And through the NOT KNOWING comes a different learning. Sometimes I feel like I just question everything...and that powerful connection of being a parent only makes it harder to find the clarity of how and when to respond.

So here's the latest example. Nicky doesn't really play with other kids at school. When I write that, my heart bleeds for him. But then you break it down. What does this really mean? Is he playing sometimes? Is he ok with this? The teachers say that he seems content, that he is "where he needs to be," that he's particular about who he plays with, and that he doesn't seem to be stressing about it, essentially. But I see him play at home. Wanting that intense back-and-forth, so sad when we don't have the time and intensity he craves for us to give to him. I wonder if Nicky looks content playing alone, but really is accomodating the fact that he doesn't know how to bridge the social gap (and is likely unwilling to sacrifice getting his way.) Tornado--to what extent am I projecting onto him? What criteria would help to evaluate how much of an issue this is for him, and if it is an issue, how to help with it? Or let it sort itself out as he grows? Or give him help in bridging the gaps? I fear that he is just reconciling himself to solitary play. I saw how proud and excited he was to have kids calling his name, and self-conscious and delighted both. And didn't know what to do with it.

Why should it be so complicated to help your kid be happy and play? Is this the curse of the social worker? Or am I tuning into my child's needs. How much is too much, how much is not enough. Hurry, answer quickly, because a tornado is coming.