Warning. What you are about to read will sound like willful complaining. Disclaimer--women use ventilation as a healthy means of reestablishing equalibrium. If moms, who haven't spoken more than 4 minutes to other adults all day, then ventilation needs are increased. Please don't continue if this paragraph annoyed you.
Boys are down. Maybe. For a while. I mean Joey. He has been waking up frequently for a while. First it was the ear infection, then the wake-ups just kept going. Yesterday he spent quite a bit of the day on my body. Honestly, I'm just trying to follow his cues. Today he napped with me and Nicky (this part is sweet) in the big bed, but when we crept away (post Nicky's "rest time") he opened his eyes and seemed to have been playing possum. So I could research and analyze, or ride it out. Ahh...that I were that laid back to ride it out. So I've been thinking about the onset of object relations and potential night waking and missing the comfort object. But, honestly, at night, I'm too tired and just respond. And Moses has been helping to pinchhit in the nighttime. And clean and sweep.
I think about families that I used to see pre-family-dom. And now I think, OMG, I had no idea what was going on. Or maybe our reality is different. But the ability to see a movie, relax for more than 10 minutes a day, move down your to-do list more than one load of laundry per day. What pleasures. Or brush your hair. I love being able to have the luxury of staying at home. Really I do. I appreciate it. But please--I've got to vent to stay balanced for these little boys. It's just constant--today was a 14 hour day without any single digit minutes without a boy within inches of my body. I've always thought I didn't need much alone time. Now I lust for it!! I want it!!
But, when the boys go down (today after all, it's 9:00), it's like...overwhelming to do list. Forget about alone time--it's time to rally!!! Do I catch up on email, contact so-and-so, do the bills, try to catch up with the photo backload, post my grades, wrap presents, contemplate buying presents, (lets face it--forget about sending Christmas cards), move the too small baby clothes out, move my ill-fitting clothes out, do the dishes, make the grocery list, clean my car (orange peels, everywhere), adjust the car seat straps, clean the office, clean the house, clean the refrigerator, make a phone call to someone I have neglected to call back 2 weeks ago, send Shauna Malone photos taken by my mom, including googling her address to find our where she lives, or go to the kitchen and "prep" to get ahead for tomorrow. This is the list that occurs this moment. I actually don't have a to do list.
Maybe that's what the itchy fingers are about. For so long, I've worked on the computer. And the to do list is on the computer. Nice to sit and get some words out. Or maybe the itchy fingers are about needing to connect with adults. Hello--that's because the only adult conversations this day came from the Sears portrait studio lady. (But we bonded, ok? After being there from 11:30 to 2:30 with Joey asleep on me and Nicky starting to follow her around because we were there waiting forever because her coworker had to leave for home and she had thousands of families waiting for portraits but only one her...and she was still polite and thoughtful and reshot Nicky's photos because his original shots were pretty atrocious with the fakey smile....)
It's just that Nicky never stops talking and would be happy with 150% audience participation into the pretend play of the moment. I'm always invited, but sometimes I've got to change the diaper, wash the dish, pack the snack bag, smile at the baby...whatever. Sometimes I like to put deodorant on. Especially when I don't get to bathe. And that's all good. Except now, little JoJo is figuring out the family and has been showing that, nobody leaves JoJo in the corner. JoJo will be heard, JoJo will be held, JoJo may even quietly lead his brother one day. So I'm really pulled all over the place, roughly 10 of the 15 hours per day.
I'm just trying to hang in there for the next 6 months that are more challenging. OK, more months will be challenging. But if you're my friend or family, cut me some slack. I'm totally hanging on by threads. Is this how it is with everyone? I mean, I don't feel incompetent. To the contrary, I feel that this honestly is part of competency. And really, I do feel that I'm going moment by moment, transition by transition, meal by meal, dish by dish, feeling by feeling. Clearly, I need some village. Moses helps, but honestly (hi retro wife) he has his pressure lab full meeting the work demands. And he still gives his all.
Thanks for listening to my itchy fingers! Have good moments and holidays.
:-)Ellen
3 comments:
This is the sound of me cutting you some slack ......
The one thing that shouldn't be on your list is 'attend to pressures from friends needing my time.'
Itchy fingers is why God made computers, and invented blogs. I love that you're blogging (Did I say that already?)
I'm getting more and more accustomed to using blogs - it keeps me from driving shop owners, farmer's market vendors, dental and medical office receptionists, and city utility workers from going crazy - sometimes they're the only people I talk to in days.
Working from home, or being home, period, is not all it's cracked up to be. But it has its sweet spots.
The trick is finding a way to make it work - this is my constant challenge.
computers - blogs, wikipedia and google are godsends.
Then there's Polly's??????????
I almost forgot - check this out
http://www.wpr.org/book/071209a.html
It should be a link to a radio broadcast on To The Best of Our Knowledge - topic of the hour, What Boys Are Made Of, or something like that. It was a fascinating show.
There's some reading (as if you had time, but, I'm just sayin') suggestions too.
Having been raised with 7 brothers, and having more nephews than nieces, I totally GOT this, for me, it was a good refresher course.
I think, it's particularly useful for moms who weren't saturated with boys, and later testosterone - and all the stuff in between.
A good listen. (oh, there's something - podcast)
and interesting blog - sometimes fun, often not enough white space between all the black letters - thick blocks of thought on the page.
But I like seeing what she's up to:
http://flawedmom.blogspot.com/
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